Quiet Feelings
by endegame
Summary: He expected pain, of course. But he never expected this. Howl could never have prepared for something this strong. It ripped through him, left him breathless. How can he keep his life from falling apart? post movie & HowlxSophie.
1. Quiet Feelings

**A/N: **Hello! Melissa here! I've been writing fanfiction for some time but this is my first Howl's Moving Castle fic! I haven't published anything in a while, but I have a lot of things to say...Reviews and writing tips are welcomed...I hope you like this; it's been stuck in my head for a while. Visit my user profile if you want to know more, yes? You won't regret it, I promise! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Howl's Moving Castle in any way.

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_It was unbearably hot. The air was thick and muggy and it was impossible to breathe without it choking him. Drops of perspiration evaporated before it could do anything to cool his burning body. He was on fire._

Everything_ was on fire._

_Howl watched helplessly as the people below him burned, as livelihoods were lost forever. They sky around him was red with the glow of the bombs. Despair racked his body. Why couldn't he help these people? Endless questions clouded his mind and he thought of the silver haired girl trapped in a house with a little boy, a senile old woman, and an old dog. He couldn't save them. Howl had failed._

***

Howl startled awake to find himself in a pitch black room. He was lying on his back with his arms and legs pinned tightly to his sides. His palms were sweaty and were clutching at the bed sheets. Sweat tickled his brow and dripped down the sides of his face. The room was freezing cold. Howl quickly turned his head to the right and exhaled the breath he had been holding for what seemed like an eternity. The sliver haired girl he was so frightened of losing was sleeping peacefully at his side, curled into his stiff, unforgiving body. He turned his body so he was facing her, pulled her into his chest and hugged her close. Howl was scared.

***

The next morning when Sophie awoke she knew something was terribly wrong. Howl was still asleep but clutching her to him not as a lover's embrace but as if she were a doll that a child instinctively reaches for when having a nightmare. His brow was furrowed and faint whimpers could be heard from his lovely mouth.

"Howl! Howl!" Sophie shook him awake. Howl's eyes opened wide and a flash of terror passed through them but subsided as quickly as it had come when they met Sophie's. "Howl, what's wrong? Tell me what's wrong," Sophie begged. She reached up and put her hands on either sides of Howl's face. She peered into his cerulean eyes searchingly.

Howl chuckled and removed Sophie's hands from his face. "Sophie, you worry too much. It was just a bad dream." He kissed her fingertips and put on what he hoped was a slightly amused and confused face. Despite his calm façade Howl couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. Howl strode over to the mirror hanging on the wall opposite the bed and clicked his tongue at the sight of his limp hair. He didn't like lying to Sophie. The dream had troubled him greatly but surely it wasn't anything she needed to know? It was a dream, nothing more. The realms of his unconsciousness couldn't touch him here. Reflected in the mirror Howl could see Sophie making the bed, her slight frame swallowed by the hugeness of her nightdress. _Comfortable indeed, _Howl thought and he could not help himself think of her dressed in something more form fitting or possibly…

"Stop that!" Sophie's voice cut through his fantasies like a knife. He turned to face her and could not help but be amused at the way she held herself. Scowl on her face, hands on her hips, and she was desperately trying to make herself seem small and huge at the same time. "Go take a bath, you useless wizard. Your hair looks horrible anyway."

Sophie grinned as Howl jumped and scurried into the bathroom. She turned her attention back to the bed. She ran her hand across the surface of her pillow and then Howl's. It was still warm and…damp? Sophie brought the pillow to her face and inhaled. It smelled of Howl, sweet and soft. But in the delicate scent she smelled something sour, something that was not a part of Howl's usual aroma. Sophie sniffed again trying to place the peculiar smell until it clicked. Sweat. Her eyes flicked back to the closed bathroom door where Howl was doing whatever it is he does and singing. Sophie thought of the terrified look he was wearing only minutes ago. What was scaring Howl to the point of sweating? Her thoughts were interrupted by a small series of pitter-patters in the hall, a small yip, and "Shhh! Heen! You'll wake Master Howl!"

Sophie giggled to herself and dropped the pillow, thoughts about Howl abandoned for the moment. Stepping over a stuffed cow, Sophie opened a door that a person glancing at the room would have missed. It was tucked away into a corner and was often missed due to the large and ornate dresser that stood next to it. She stepped through it and walked into another bedroom. It was her room, although Sophie hardly slept in it. She settled herself on the bed and almost as if on cue a small knock could be heard at the door.

"Sophie, are you awake?" Markl's little boy voice could hardly be heard through the thick door that lead into the main hallway. "Heen and I are going to go play outside for a little bit, okay?"

Before Sophie could even open her mouth to respond she heard Markl run down the stairs and Calcifer's sleepy complaint. Smiling softly to herself she got dressed, washed up, and went down to cook breakfast.

When Sophie got downstairs she discovered a very suspicious Calcifer looking at her up and down. "What do you want?" She asked self-consciously as she turned her back to get water ready for tea.

"Why is Howl awake? It's not noon yet," Calcifer inquired, sarcasm laced in his seemingly innocent question.

Sophie shrugged. "Ask him. I don't know why."

"Are you sure you don't know? I think you do. I think-" Sophie turned and slammed the tea pot down on Calcifer's head. "Ahh! Lady! Lady! What are you doing? Stop it! Waahh-mmmpwargh."

They struggled for a few minutes before Calcifer reduced himself to a simple cooking flame. Part of him was tempted to just fly away and let the stupid tea get ruined. It wasn't like _he _could drink it. Instead he opted for total silence and refused to look at a visibly distressed Sophie. Sophie could tell Calcifer was deeply offended. She almost hung her head in shame for being so cruel to her friend. _Almost. _Calcifer knew how she felt about it…

"Good morning!" Once again Sophie's thoughts were interrupted by Markl. The little boy ran into the kitchen and skid to a halt in front of Sophie. Followed by him came the placid Witch of the Waste whom everyone simply called "Granny" and the wheezy dog, Heen. "What's for breakfast?"

"I think," Sophie glanced at the furious Calcifer. "I think we'll have bread and jam. How's that sound?" She looked once more at Calcifer. Perhaps he would forgive her if she didn't cook? Markl's face fell slightly. "But we'll go out for lunch, all of us! I promise," Sophie hastily added. She couldn't bear to see Markl disappointed. Howl often teased her for it.

"Tea's ready," Calcifer mumbled from the hearth. Sophie whirled around and picked up the kettle as fast as she could. Calcifer mumbled something indistinct and retreated further into his logs. She handed the pot to Markl and bounded over to the stairs.

"Howl!" She called. "Come have some breakfast!" She tapped the banister and turned her attention back to the table. Just as she was going to sit down, she heard Howl pounding down the stairs. He strode over to where she stood, grabbed her to him, and kissed her.

"Good morning, my sweet," He said when they broke apart. Sophie blushed and Howl smiled deviously before sitting down and starting on his breakfast.

***

It was a lovely day albeit the cold. Sophie, Howl, Markl, and Heen were walking the streets of Kingsbury for Markl's promised lunch out. The Witch of the Waste had insisted on staying at the castle; this cold winter air did not bode well with her. Markl and Heen walked at an excited, if not agitated pace, while Sophie and Howl walked leisurely. The two were holding hands and looked quite in love. Every now and then the pair would stop to kiss and whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears. Finally, the small group reached Markl's destination. It was a small café that was popular for its sweets and pastries. Howl started to follow Markl in but Sophie stopped him.

"Markl, go inside. We'll be there in a few minutes." She handed some money to Markl. "Order whatever you want." Howl looked questioningly at his pretty companion. She waited until Markl was sitting down at a table before turning back to Howl. "Something's bothering you."

Howl looked at her quizzically.

"Maybe I'm overreacting, but this morning…You were _so _upset, Howl! And then after I woke you-"

Howl interrupted her by putting a finger to her lips. "Sophie," Howl paused and shook his head, laughing a bit. "Sophie, it's nothing. It was just a dream. They don't bother me, not in the slightest. They never have." It was the truth. Howl had had plenty of nightmares shortly after giving Calcifer his heart. He had stopped having them once Sophie came into his life.

Sophie looked doubtful. A wave of gratitude washed over Howl. It was so strange, having his heart back. A kind gesture hit him so differently now. It was as if someone had given him the greatest gift. Before he appreciated kind words but now…But now he needed them. They left him with a sense of overwhelming happiness that he hadn't experienced in a long while. And now Sophie was worried (Worried!) for him. Howl wanted to whoop for joy.

Instead Howl held his hand out to Sophie. She smiled at him timidly, still disbelieving. Her better sense told her this would not go away but instead of pushing it she took Howl's hand.

A quiet feeling had started to build in her chest and Sophie was afraid of what it would lead to.

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Reviews are welcome! I'll update quickly if you guys review. Thank you!


	2. The Allure of Dawn

**A/N: Hello everyone! I'm back! I just want to thank everyone who reviewed/alerted/favorited this story. It means a lot to me! It also gets my fingers to the keyboard more quickly (:  
Well, back to the HowlxSophie!  
Reviews and constructive criticism are welcomed. No, it's LOVED.  
Thanks,  
Melissa**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Howl's Moving Castle.

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Sun filtered through the dusty bathroom window making the dust particles that floated in the air visible. The tiles of the floor were of a cream color and absolutely clean. The air in Howl's bathroom was heavily perfumed; it seemed to be set off by the steam of hot water. Beauty products lined every available shelf and the toilet seat was up. _Of course, _Sophie thought wryly.

She sighed and nestled herself more deeply in the bubbles of the tub. She now understood why Howl spent copious amounts of time in the bathroom. It was so calming, so quiet. The hot water soothed her aching body and calmed her mind. All her troubles slipped away and the constant cold no longer bothered her. Sophie idly poured another bath potion in the water. Instantly the scent of jasmine and vanilla filled the air and invaded Sophie's nostrils.

"Sophie?"

Sophie gasped, almost a shriek. Howl was standing in the doorway to the bath, arms crossed over his chest. He looked surprised, amused, and curious all at the same time. There was something flashing in his blue eyes and Sophie blushed, sinking herself more deeply in the tub in order to hide under the bubbles. "You're back already?" She mumbled.

Howl took a step further into the bathroom, thought better of it, and stepped back. "I've been gone for a few hours." He motioned to the window. And indeed what he spoke was true. When he had left the castle the sun was barely rising in the sky streaked with pinks, purples, and gold. Now the sun hung blindingly high in the sky.

"How did the lesson with Markl go? I hope you weren't too hard on him." _Wait, what am I doing? _Sophie thought. _Why am I trying to have a conversation with Howl in the bathtub?_

"It was fine," Howl said shrugging. Then a smirk lit up his angelic face. "Now you can't get upset at me spending too much time in here."

Sophie scowled and looked down at the water. "Go away, Howl." She suddenly felt self conscious. Howl had never seen her in this state of undress, although the bubbles were doing an excellent job in keeping her covered. Her hair was wet and thus was colored a very dark grey. It contrasted greatly with her pale skin (now slightly rosy because of the warm water) and dark eyes. Howl couldn't help but stare. The longer he looked, the more the fire in him smoldered. Sophie coughed quite suddenly, making Howl jump. He looked quite dazed but then smiled ruefully when he caught sight of her angry stare. "Alright, I'm gone," He said and whisked out of the room.

Shortly after, Sophie emerged from the bathroom fully dressed and dry. She ventured downstairs when she heard the door click shut to prepare lunch. As she tied the apron to her dress she thought of the way Howl was looking at her in the bathroom.

It was only natural, of course. If it had been Sophie who found Howl in the bathtub, well, she would have reacted the same way he did. But she couldn't help but feel ashamed. They weren't man and wife, they weren't lovers. He was Horrible Howl and she was just his cleaning lady. Sophie sighed and longing coursed through her. She loved Howl, she really truly did. She loved him so much she spent most nights in his bed, but only sleeping of course. A blush found its way to Sophie's neck and face as she diced tomatoes as she thought of what else they could be doing.

Cool fingers touched the back of her neck. "You're blushing," Howl said. He was right behind her. "What are you thinking about?"

Sophie turned, wielding the knife in her hand somewhat playfully. Howl took two steps back and Sophie laughed. "Prince Justin," She said tartly. She regretted her words the moment they left her mouth.

Howl looked as if she had doused him with ice cold water. The playfulness in his eyes faded and turned into resentment, regret? Behind Howl was the Witch of the Waste, watching as the scene unfolded with great curiosity. Sophie placed the knife on the counter behind her and grabbed Howl's wrist. "I'm only joking. You do know that, right?"

"Of course." Howl regarded her with cool eyes. "Now, if you'll excuse me…" Howl removed his arm from Sophie's grasp and swept out the door and into the black portal.

Sophie gaped at the door.

"Don't mind him, dear." The Witch of the Waste had waddled up to Sophie's side. "Having a heart is hard work. Especially if you went into adulthood without one." She touched Sophie's arm. "You _must _be gentle with him."

Sophie nodded. This was the most articulate the witch had been for weeks.

***

Howl stumbled into the castle at an ungodly hour. He reeked of hard liquor. But he was too tired to care. He climbed up the stairs laboriously and opened the door to his room. It was black as pitch and Howl was so drunk he couldn't remember where the bed was. He lit a candle and the room was illuminated. Howl squinted. Why did he see a head of blond hair in his bed? The covers were thrown back and Prince Justin sat up in Howl's bed. Sophie sat up as well, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "What are you doing here?" She asked groggily. Prince Justin had gotten out of the bed. His stupidly yellow hair curled extravagantly against his chin.

"S-s-Sophie?" Howl sputtered. "That's Prince Justin!" He didn't know what else to say.

"Yes." Sophie was suddenly awake and alert. She walked around the bed to Justin's side. She put her arms around his neck and he put his around her waist. "Yes," She said again looking back at Howl. Prince Justin began kissing Sophie. She responded fully, pressing herself against him. Howl watched, horrified. The candle fell from his hand. Sophie threw her head back and Justin moved his mouth from hers to her neck. "You see," She said. I'm Justin's true love. He is mine."

Howl choked. "_I _love you!" She ignored him. "Sophie, I -" Howl gasped. The candle he dropped had burned its way to Justin and Sophie. Smoke twisted around the embracing couple. Sophie's hem had caught fire. The couple still continued to embrace passionately. The fire was burning up Sophie's skirt and Justin's legs. Howl could smell burning flesh. The fire was all around the room now. Howl lurched forward and pried Justin off Sophie. Justin turned into ashes. Terrified, he turned to Sophie. "I'm going to save you," Howl said through gritted teeth. He grabbed Sophie around the waist but then promptly released her when she hit him.

"You can't save me," She panted. Her face was sooty, her teeth blackened. "You couldn't save me then!" Her voice had suddenly gotten deep. Her arms and face were blackening. She closed her eyes and took one last rattling breath. She opened her eyes and looked straight at Howl. "You won't save me now."

And with that, Sophie Hatter turned to dust.

***

Howl woke up, screaming. His newly found heart was beating furiously in his chest. He sat up and looked around. His room was still in tact. No fire, no smoke, no Justin. Sophie wasn't there either. Howl leaped out of his bed. The only thought racing through his mind was that of Sophie. He opened the door to the adjoining bedroom. She was in the bed lying perfectly still. Howl shook her awake. She opened her eyes sleepily and blinked at Howl.

"'Owl?" She tentatively put a hand to his face.

Howl kissed her. He wrapped his arms around her to make sure she was real. This wasn't a dream. He kissed her to let the world know she was his, and only his. Still embracing her, Howl scooted Sophie over so he could lie down with her. The bed was on the small side but Howl would have slept in a cabinet if it meant Sophie was with him. "Don't leave me." He whispered into Sophie's hair. He wasn't sure if she was still awake. Howl closed his eyes.

But he didn't sleep.

***

The next morning when Sophie woke up, Howl was in the bed with her, watching her intently.

"Good morning," He said smoothly.

Sophie climbed out of the bed. She studied the way he was stretched out. His eyes looked troubled. "Did you have a nightmare again?" She turned her back to him.

Howl looked away and then glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "No."

Sophie narrowed her eyes. He was lying. She told him that.

"I am not lying." He was out of the bed now. He took Sophie by the shoulders and spun her around so she was facing him.

"You're lying even now." She spat. "Howl Jenkins; tell me what this is about."

He shrugged and titled his head to the side. She took one step closer to Howl. She grabbed him by his sleeve. "This won't work if you lie."

Howl flinched imperceptibly, but Sophie noticed. The Witch of the Waste popped into her head. _You must be gentle with him._ She released his sleeve. Howl smiled his devastatingly handsome smile at her. "My dear Sophie, you are quite upset this morning," He murmured. He had finally recovered his charm.

"Too right I am," Sophie grumbled. She swept out of the room, furious.

Howl watched her go. In his dream Sophie had said Prince Justin was her true love. What if he was? He thought suddenly. Her kiss had been the one to break Justin's spell. Fear gripped him. What if Prince Justin came back and Sophie couldn't help but go with him? Howl stumbled out of the room, oblivious to the fact that he was disheveled and unshaven. He had to stop that from happening. He would let Sophie go, if she wanted. But would he survive it? No, he probably wouldn't.

Howl swept past Calcifer and switched the portal to the black dial. He put one hand on the doorknob and looked up at the stairs. He could hear the water running, the pitter patter of Markl's feet. Howl nodded to himself. He had to do this.

And with this, Howl stepped into the blackness.  


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Reviews are much appreciated. Thank you!


	3. Love of War

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Howl's Moving Castle.

_Hi everyone! Sorry it took me so long to update! School's been crazy and I haven't had the time to update as quickly as I wanted to. Your reviews and alerts are the only reasons why I actually updated. Keep it coming! (Especially the **reviews**.) Please check out my Author's Profile and check the links I put up.  
To all of you in the United States, Happy Thanksgiving! I know I'm thankful for all my wonderful readers._

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Howl lounged across a bright yellow tufted chair and picked at its upholstery unpleasantly. He had been sitting in this room for hours it seemed and he didn't like it. Being in this room was like being trapped in a large banana; a banana that smelled somewhat pleasantly of cinnamon. He sighed internally, frustrated by the wait. He hadn't accounted that the Prince might not be in this particular castle, let alone the kingdom. Howl added this to the long list of things he hadn't accounted for when he left his home in haste.

He had swept out of the moving castle without a plan, without a real way to come across. _Haste makes waste_, he thought bitterly. He had been hell bent on hurting or maybe even killing the Prince. But what good would that have done? A lifetime of guilt and possibly another war? As delicious as that sounded, Howl was not going to let that happen. No, Howl was going to talk.

Wow. Such a plan.

The door opened quite suddenly and Howl stood up. The figure entered the room, head bent and brows drawn together ominously. He was tall and narrow and wearing a bright yellow suit that matched the yellow of his hair and flared unflatteringly at the hips. Howl coughed and the figure yelped and dropped the papers he had been reading. Shock and indignation crossed Prince Justin's face before he remembered his manners and controlled his emotions.

"Howl." Justin inclined his head. "How did you get in, my friend?" The Prince motioned to the yellow chair and Howl sat back down. "How are you? How's Sophie?" Justin tried hard to hide the smile in his voice when he mentioned Sophie but he didn't succeed.

"Actually," Howl said. He leaned forward and braced his arms on his thighs, his hands dangling in between his knees. "Sophie's the reason I came to see you."

"Is she…Is she sick?" Justin had lost all the color in his face. Howl was astonished at how expressive the young prince was.

"Perhaps I should have been more specific." Howl's voice cloaked the room in muted anger. "I came here about you and Sophie." He looked up and found the prince staring at him quizzically. "You love her."

Justin stared back at Howl unblinkingly. "Yes." His eyes were as blue as an autumn sky. "You know that." Justin waited while Howl plucked a long strand of silver hair off his jacket and idly tucked it into his pocket.

"Why?" Howl's voice was cold.

"Why not?" Justin countered. "She beautiful, she's kind. She cares. She's…" He trailed off and took on a lovesick look.

"Mine," Howl finished dryly.

"I don't think you can call her that. It certainly doesn't sound like that from her letters."

Howl's head turned sharply. "Letters?" Still smirking, Justin reached for the papers he had set down on the table and handed the first one to Howl. He squinted and tried to decipher the cramped handwriting.

It was a letter, nothing more. She talked about trivial matters like the new kitchen, the weather, people she saw, conversations she had with the local people. But something was missing. Some important element was absent; Howl. Not once was he mentioned, not once was there a word written about him. It was as if he didn't exist in her life at all. Justin's smirk was so strong and so bright it made all the yellow in the room seem dull. Howl wanted nothing more than to smack it off his face.

"I don't understand what you're suggesting," Howl replied coolly.

The prince looked down at his feet. "I'm not suggesting anything, _Howl._" He looked up at Howl with a look so intense it was frightening. "I'm _telling _you. You're a mistake, just stone in my path. Sophie and I belong together."

Howl uttered the curse so quickly Justin hardly had time to react. But react he did. It was a strong shield that erected itself around Justin, one that turned the curse back on the person who uttered it. In the next half second, Howl was knocked back into the wall, blood trickling sluggishly out of the corner of his mouth. He coughed and looked up at Justin incredulously.

The young prince was practically vibrating with energy. The remnants of his shield were shimmering faintly. His eyes had gone dark and murky and his hands curved into something akin to claws. And in that moment Howl saw darkness in the prince that had not been there months before. The prince was tormented, spurned by the woman who was supposed to be his soul mate and fearful of the magic that might rob him of his human life.

"Black magic," Howl spit. He struggled to get up but stopped when he saw the prince resume his defensive position. "Why?"

"Why not?" Justin strode over to Howl. "I need to be able to protect myself." He stopped and watched as Howl struggled to compose himself. "That was a very powerful curse, wasn't it? Did you come here with the intention of killing me?" Howl shot him a look charged with hate. He was too weak to speak at the moment. "No, I don't think you did," Justin mused. "You wouldn't want to start another war. You came here with the intention of bullying me into silence. You know," Justin bent down and grabbed Howl's chin, forcing him to look up into his eyes. "It would be so easy to kill you right now. Your death would tip the balance in my favor." He ran a finger down Howl's jaw and throat. "Yes, it would work quite nicely if you died."

Howl reached inside his pocket and touched the strand of silver hair he had stowed away only a few minutes ago. It wouldn't last long, but it would be enough. He whispered a small spell; transformational magic. Immediately he felt his bones contort. It was not an unpleasant feeling normally but coupled with the pain he was feeling already it was excruciating.

"Would you kill me, Justin?" Howl's voice was soft and lilting. A tear dropped from the corner of his eye.

Justin's hand dropped from Howl's throat and he retreated in fear. He was pale and his eyes were clear. Justin was a young prince in love once more. "Sophie?" Because what he saw in front of him was undeniable. Sophie sat in a heap on his floor, cheeks flushed, blood running from the corner of her mouth. She was cowering in fear. Her dress was ripped and bloody and she was breathing heavily. His mind was reeling. Where had Howl gone?

But did it even matter? Sophie was here. She was his and only his. He stepped forward and helped her up. She stumbled into Justin. Wait, why was she getting so heavy? And taller?

But his eyes were heavy and he could hardly keep them open. From his squinted eyes the last thing he saw was Howl turning away, his mouth set in a grim line.

***

Howl stepped out of the castle, shaken to his core. Justin was mad, it was obvious. He had given something of his away or perhaps made a promise he could not keep. Howl wanted desperately to know how Justin mastered his magic so quickly. He was inexperienced but had raw talent. The prince was a danger to himself, to Howl, to Sophie, and everyone near him. He was a short fuse.

Escaping from Justin had not been an easy task and he still had adrenaline rushing through his veins from the encounter. He had disguised himself as Sophie for a few moments effectively distracting the prince. From there it was easy to put him under a sleeping spell. Granted, Howl could have done something stronger but he was too weak.

He was standing in front of the door to his home now. A part of him was frightened of what he might see when he opened the door. Another part of him wanted to rush in and hide Sophie away from the rest of the world forever. He looked up at the sky expectantly and what he saw did not surprise him. It was evening and if he strained his ears he could hear Markl conversing loudly with Sophie. Sighing, Howl pushed open the door.

He exhaled slowly. Everything was as it should be. Sophie and Markl were sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace, a large wool blanket draped over them. The two looked as thick as thieves as they sipped their hot chocolate.

"Howl!" Sophie exclaimed. "You're back!" She made a move to stand up but Howl was at her side in a flash.

"No, don't get up." He kissed her softly and brushed the hair back from her eyes. She smiled at him and he kissed her again just for good measure. Markl was squirming, obviously not comfortable with being so close to the couple. "Come, I'll make dinner."

The look on Sophie's face provided the only good part of a truly horrific day.

***

Howl was tired. He could feel it in his bones. And the knowledge about Prince Justin weighed heavily on his shoulders. He should tell Sophie, shouldn't he? Not tonight_, _he thought. He sighed and turned to his bed and started.

Lying on his pillow was a slip of paper. Instantly his senses went on alert. The paper looked small and unassuming but Howl knew it was from Justin. He just knew. He opened it, re-reading its flourished script over and over again.

_Do not underestimate me. If I want her, I can simply take her._

_

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	4. Wandering Sophie

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Howl's Moving Castle.

**AN:** _Hi everyone! Sorry it took me over a year to finally update...I hope you can forgive me! I'll be trying to update more frequently now. Fingers crossed that I keep my promise! If you guys head over to my profile page, there's a link to my blog there! Check out it to see the other nonfanfiction things I write. Thank you all for reading!_

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Sleep was useless anymore. All he could see was Justin's mad eyes. Sometimes he dreamed that he was looking for Sophie but only managed to see the last bit of her skirt whip around a corner before she disappeared forever. And in his dreams Howl turned old, gray, and ugly all alone.

Sophie couldn't understand what was wrong. Not that she would have any clue. Howl hadn't told her yet, hadn't told her anything. He was too scared. What was he scared of? That headstrong girl would probably march up to Justin's castle and demand to talk to him. Or maybe she would accuse Howl of being jealous of her friendship with Justin? But it wasn't a friendship, not really. A friendship calls for understanding and Justin certainly didn't understand.

It had been a few weeks since Howl and seen Justin, two weeks since Howl realized the true danger, and two weeks since he had received that little slip of paper. No matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, it came back. Howl cursed and kicked his bed.

"Howl?" He whipped around to see Sophie peering at him through the crack of the door. "I'm going to the market. Do you want to come?"

He smiled at Sophie weakly. "No, I have work."

Disappointed, Sophie nodded and left the room. Actually, she was quite angry. This was the third time this week for a rejection. She pounded down the stairs angrily, hoping that the petty peacock heard her loud and clear. She waited for Howl to run after her and grab her around the waist, as that was what normally happened when she was angry, but this time Sophie made it down the stairs alone. She looked back at the staircase wistfully. She pretended to tie her hair back, let it down again, and re tied her boots before finally leaving. He wasn't going to follow her.

The air was cold and biting and Sophie pulled her shawl closer to her. It would have been nice to have some company. Markl didn't want to come and Calcifer…well, you couldn't carry a talking fireball around with you without looking suspicious. She rubbed her hands together and started to hum a little tune to lift her spirits. She didn't know the name of it but she thought it sounded lovely. It was something Howl had been humming earlier that week.

"Excuse me, but may I help you?"

"Oh, no it's not a probl- Justin!" Sophie screeched. She dropped her (thankfully) empty basket in surprise.

He grinned at her a little crookedly and very sweetly. "Sophie." He swept off his hat before bending forward in a deep curtsy. He was as handsome as ever, Sophie thought. "Sophie, it's so good to see you. Shall we walk?" He offered her his arm and she took it gladly.

They walked along in silence for a few minutes. Justin looked completely at ease walking along with Sophie, as if he belonged next to her.

"Justin, what are you doing here? I mean it's not very often that royalty comes to this small a town."

He smiled down at her. He had forgotten how small she was! "I'm here in secret, Sophie." He winked at her before continuing. "After the spell was lifted and I returned to my home, I kept…well I couldn't focus. It was too difficult for me to read papers and jump back into my princely duties." His brow furrowed before he continued. "And there were times when I was too tired to think. Being a scarecrow had taken it's toll on me, believe it or not. I was weak and scared and lonely, Sophie. No one really understands what it's like to be under a spell where your identity's robbed." He peeked at her from under his mop of golden hair. "Well, no one except for you that is."

All throughout Justin's speech, Sophie's eyes had grown bigger. "I'm so...Justin I had no idea it effected you like this." She unconsciously gripped Justin's arm more tightly. He shrugged but made no move to remove himself from Sophie's vice like grip. "The spell was horrible," she continued. "It was awful to not be able to say something that meant so much. If I had been able to talk about my curse and you yours, we wouldn't have had to go through all the trouble."

Sophie and Justin had actually reached the marketplace; it was only when someone rudely shoved Justin did the pair realize that they had made it.

"Sophie, what did you need to buy?" Justin asked.

"Just some food stuffs. You'd be horribly bored. Why don't you go into that bakery over there and have some tea?"

"No...I would much rather browse the potatoes with you." Justin picked up a particularly ugly potato and grimaced at it. Sophie laughed and Justin felt a small fluttering in his chest.

He had almost forgotten what she was like, this stubborn woman. He had spent so long in his castle moping about her. He followed her around the bustling market place and marveled at the way she steadfastly ignored the blatant stares from other bystanders. Together they made a striking, but still odd, pair. She with her youthful face, moonlight hair, and simple dress and he with a soft face and extravagant clothes. He followed her about willingly, much like a puppy and asked her many questions while she answered him as best she could. He was having fun with her.

The time had passed and the sky began to turn a dusky color. Some unspoken message had traveled between the two and they both knew their time together had come to an end.

"I'm glad you came by, Justin." Sophie smiled at him before continuing the path back to her home.

He fell in stride effortlessly with her. "I'm glad, too. Oh, and Sophie? I have something for you." He reached into his pocket and withdrew a long ribbon. It was yellow with white polka dots. He opened Sophie's palm and placed it there. She curled her fingers around it and smiled.

"Thank you, Justin." She moved to place the ribbon into her dress pocket but Justin caught her hand.

"Please wear it." He reached behind her and gently pulled the plain pink ribbon that held her hair back. Her long sheet of moonlight hair swirled and cascaded forward and released a scent of coconuts. Justin's fingers brushed against the back of Sophie's neck as he tied her hair back with his ribbon.

"I'm sorry if my hands are cold," Justin murmured.

Sophie shook her head and held back another shiver; his hands were warm. Burning, actually. His hands lingered near her neck, catching strands of silver hair between his fingers, and Sophie stepped forward.

"I'm going, Justin. Get home safely. I'm glad you came by. Tell me when you're coming next so Howl and I can plan something. Bye Turnip Head!" Sophie backed away as she said all these words and talked loudly to drown out the noise of her fiercely beating heart. Justin watched her go, the yellow bow glinting in the last remaining lights of the day.

"Sophie, where'd you go?" Howl asked as he walked down into their petite kitchen. He ruffled Markl's hair as he passed.

She had actually been back for over an hour; she had dinner cooking on the stove right now.

"I was out shopping. I told you I was leaving." Sophie scowled into the pot of soup that she was stirring. "I asked you if you wanted to come and you said -"

"Really? I don't remember. Well, I'm going to take a bath and hit the sheets. I'm tired. Do you think you could bring me something to eat later on?"

Sophie's stirring became more forceful as Howl spoke and she could feel the rage brimming inside her.

"Howl..." Calcifer warned from the hearth; he could see Sophie's emotions play across her face. Markl jumped up from his place at the table and scurried upstairs, taking the asthmatic Heen with him.

"Stay out of it, Calcifer!" Sophie snapped. She whirled around to face Howl who was blinking confusedly at her. "Howl, you've been like this for weeks now! You do nothing but stay holed up in your room or you disappear for hours without a word and all this time I'm waiting for you and then you come home and act as if you were never gone! How long has it been since Markl has had a lesson? How long has it been since you and I did something together? We've been living together for nearly a year! When is something going to change? " Her thoughts flashed to the day she spent with Justin; she was supposed to do things like that with Howl!

The room had grown deadly silent and Sophie realized that big fat tears had begun to stream their way down her face. She wiped at them angrily. Howl moved toward her slowly and reached his arms out to her. He pulled her close but she remained stiff and unforgiving. She wasn't going to let him kiss her and make this issue go away.

"Sophie," He whispered into her hair. His hands traveled up and down her back soothingly. "I didn't know... Really, I didn't know you felt that way."

She pushed away from him and he staggered backward. Sophie felt her hair undo itself but she didn't care. "You don't know anything, do you? I hate explaining things to you!" She ran upstairs into her room, passing the Witch of the Waste who looked on with concerned eyes, and slammed the door.

Sophie threw herself onto her bed and lay face down for a few moments. She was furious but slowly her anger ebbed away as she inhaled and exhaled. A funny face Justin had made earlier that day floated into Sophie's mind and she laughed weakly. She wished he was here.

She wished a lot of things actually. She wished to be something more than Howl's housekeeper. Her life felt the same as it did before the spell was put on her; all days were the same and nothing exciting happened. She wanted her life to be exciting and spontaneous.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Howl put a hand to his chest and felt a deep ache. How could he have been so stupid? All this time he was worried about Justin taking her but he was the one pushing her further away. He sat down wearily on a chair and his eyes found the ribbon that had fallen out of Sophie's hair during her outburst.

It was yellow. He hated the color yellow.


	5. Mysterious World

**AN: **_Hi everyone! I'm sorry for the long update time. I hope you enjoy it! Hopefully you'll also check out my blog (the link for it is on my profile) so you can see some of my outside writing and get to know me better!_

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Howl's Moving Castle._

* * *

"Wow Sophie! Your hair looks just like starlight. It's beautiful!" Howl exclaimed.

She was back on that rickety board with Howl and Markl and Heen that was balanced precariously on a cliff. But instead of feeling elated, like she had been, she felt slightly annoyed. Who was this fickle fool, Sophie thought angrily. Was this his way of thanking her after she saved her life?

She pushed away from him and walked over to where she knew Turnip Head was wedged. Surprisingly she felt excited; like she was moving underwater she reached over and planted a kiss on Turnip's ruined face.

He jumped out of her arms and contorted horrifyingly in the air before becoming the person he had always been, the lovely yellow haired man. "Sophie." He reached for her hand and a swell of emotions crashed against her ribcage. She grabbed his hand tightly. And then she woke up.

She was in her bed, in her room, and she was all alone. The sheets were twisted and knotted under her uncomfortably and her hair clung to the sweaty back of her neck. She lay still for a few moments, listening to the stillness of the night. Occasionally the castle would sigh and shudder, a perfect imitation of how Sophie felt. She passed the rest of that night in silent reverie, stopping only to listen to Howl's quiet footsteps as he left the castle in the early morning.

...

Howl woke up very early that morning. It was that odd time when the stars were still out but the sun was prepping itself to rise but the moon still didn't want to give up her reign over the lovers that lay cloaked under her light.

He uncharacteristically tiptoed through the castle and ignored Calcifer's warning hiss before stepping into the portal.

Kingsbury was still sleepy when Howl stepped through the town's gates. The occasional drunkard bumbled through the streets in an attempt to find his home or an inn to sleep off the drunken stupor. Howl passed a young man sending his lover off, a girl with blonde hair and soft gray eyes. The boy clutched her to him tightly before sending her back off to her home, where there was no doubt that she had to hide where she had been the night before.

Howl stood inside the country's central palace, staring up at a large and ornate door. When he had left the flying castle earlier, he was eager to reach this palace so he could warn Suliman about Justin. But now that he was here, he didn't want to go in just yet. Sighing, Howl pushed open the door and walked into the room.

He stood in a large, and simple room that had light leaking through the giant windows. This situation was reminiscent of Howl's last foray into a palace but the tone of this visit was very different.

Suliman was sitting in her chair and facing the door, almost as if she was waiting for Howl. Maybe she was. At this point it didn't really matter. She looked the same as he last saw her; maybe her dress was different.

Howl bowed stiffly to his old magic teacher and he couldn't help but think about the last time he was here. Pretending to be the king and crashing through the ceiling like that. She must have known what he was thinking about; a smile played on the corner of her lips.

"Howl," She greeted him casually. "I presume that this is not simply a social visit? Would you like some tea?" She poured tea into a cup and shrugged when Howl shook his head. "Why are you here?"

"I have some...concerns about Prince Justin," Howl said carefully. When that did not illicit a response from Suliman, he continued. "I think that the time he spent as a scarecrow was not...He's not the same. Something's off about him. I can see it in his eyes."

"His eyes?" Suliman put her teacup down and laced her fingers together. "Howl, I didn't know you were such a good judge of character."

Howl grit his teeth. "No, Madam. It's his magic. He's done something he shouldn't have done and now he has magic. He's totally unstable. He can't function normally let alone rule a kingdom."

"How do you know all this? Did he perform any of his magic in front of you?"

Howl nodded and his jaw tensed. He looked like he was going to snap. "Yes. He left a mark, too." Howl pulled aside the neck of his shirt and looked at the floor. Suliman gasped and he closed his eyes.

Across his left shoulder and chest was a blossoming dark red spot. Howl cleared his throat and covered his shoulder again after a few moments, wincing when his shirt chafed uncomfortably against it. He looked up again at Suliman who was staring at him in astonishment.

"I've tried everything I know to get rid of it. It won't go away. He's using magic more powerful than I've seen in the best of wizards. And he's only just gotten his hands on it." Howl paused. "Have diplomatic relations with him been strained lately?"

"No, not that I know of." Suliman seemed to have regained her composure. "He was in Kingsbury yesterday. He was here to see the King. I will look into it." She paused, and gave Howl an inquisitive look. "How are you and Sophie?" She wheeled closer to him, closing the gap between them. "Have you two talked about ma-"

"No," Howl cut her off. A muscle in his jaw ticked rapidly. "Thank you for listening. I really must go back home now. Sophie's expecting me for lunch," Howl explained smoothly. He bowed once more and left the room, presumably to kill time until he found the courage to return back to his home.

...

"_Justin!" _Suliman hissed angrily. She wheeled herself quickly to where Prince Justin was standing, reading a slip of paper. "Justin!" She hissed again before he looked up. "What have you been doing?"

"Nothing, Madam! I was just reading this-"

Suliman grabbed Justin's arm and jerked him to her level. "You fool!" She shook his arm furiously and ignored the pleading look that had taken over his eyes. "You've ruined everything. Did you know who came to see me today?" She glared at Justin. "Howl Pendragon. That fool came to see me talking about how he was worried about your sanity and talking about your magic."

Justin pulled away from Suliman's grip. "That wasn't my fault. He provoked me." He turned away from Suliman and stared out his window. "He told me I couldn't have Sophie." He whirled back around to face Suliman, his yellow hair fanning out around him.

"Control your temper!" Suliman's normally composed face had gone all red and blotchy. "You'll have her! You would have had her sooner if you didn't alert Howl with all your nonsense!"

Justin stared at Suliman, a ferocious look clouding his face. His eyes narrowed to slits and, instead of the clear blue they normally were, turned dark. His hands clenched into tight fists at his side and he began to shake ever so slightly. For a second, fear overtook Suliman and she wondered if she was right in granting so much power to Justin. But the moment passed as quickly as it came.

"He provoked me," Justin said evenly. "I wasn't going to sit there and take it because it's important for your grab to power." He inched closer to Suliman. "Remember, I only agreed to this because you promised me Sophie. If I don't have her...Well...You remember what I did to Howl with such a simple spell? It won't kill him. It'll just hurt for days. But I'll make sure it finishes you." He ended his speech with a blinding grin before stepping around Suliman. He grabbed his coat from off his couch, ignored Suliman's slight intake of breath, and walked out of the room.

...

It was late when Howl returned to the flying castle. The castle was still except for the occasional creak or groan. A small candle flickered on the table.

"Howl, where have you been?" Calcifer asked.

Howl pulled up a chair and propped his feet up, aiming to warm his frigid feet. "I saw Suliman." Howl leaned his head back and sighed.

"Suliman? For what?" Calcifer's voice had taken a tone Howl had not heard in a long while; it was a mixture of annoyance and concern.

"Checking up on the kingdom." Howl rotated his ankles.

"Sophie's still upset, you know." Calcifer looked up at Howl and began munching on a twig. "Took her all she had to get out of bed and feed Markl."

"I know, I know," Howl muttered. "I just don't know...don't know how to deal with it all."

"Deal with it _all? _What else is going on, Howl?"

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Calcifer."

Calcifer made a disgusted noise and he might have called Howl a foul name, but Howl couldn't be sure because he was already halfway upstairs.

He morosely passed Sophie's room, not wanting to disturb her. He stripped off his shirt and entered his own room, but stopped dead still when he saw an unfamiliar lump on his side of the bed. He tensed, but the lump made a small noise.

_Sophie.  
_  
Relief coursed through Howl and he stepped forward to the bed anxiously. Sophie was on her back, in her sleeping clothes, her hair pulled back by that stupid yellow ribbon. For a moment, Howl wondered why there were diamonds sparkling on Sophie's cheeks. Diamonds sparkled on her cheek in the moonlight but then Howl realized that the diamonds were tears.

"Oh Sophie..." Howl murmured.

He slid into bed next to her, stroked her cheek with one hand and, with the other, took away that horrid ribbon. She sighed at the warmth of Howl's hand and moved closer to him, unconsciously seeking more heat. Howl kissed the top of her head and looked at her with worried eyes before falling into a restless slumber.


End file.
